falling down stairs

a few weeks ago I slipped and fell down the stairs. There is this feeling of sliding and then crashing down and down and down and a minor amount of pain and then you think you're fine, but aren't. you feel that pulsing in the back of your throat and the ear clogging that suggests vomit. You sit down and put your hands and your forehead and try to keep it down. This is my life every day. i get smacked and then want to throw up and cry. I am so doped up on something right now. It feels like I consumed massive amounts of alcohol, but I just took tiny pink pills and they make me crash around like an elephant. I am too big and too clumsy to exist in this tiny world. I am careening head first down the stairs and tumbling and bruising. I am flat on my back and there is a boot on my chest. The apt. is haunted by sex. bonk bonk bonk. clank clank clank. ahhh ahhh ahhh. the room spins and I am very small in a very large space. The room spins again and I fill the entire room with my grossly obese fingers and elbows. Then I am tiny and shivering alone in my bed. I pull the covers up and pretend that I am in an ice cave. I have my myself and that is enough, but soon enough I will be so mangled and bruised that I won't exist to anyone else. Death is such an interesting thing. The people who are left feel a hole in their lives, but the world doesnt feel a hole. emotions link us the the people around us, but the people outside of those emotions are lost to us. Tonight a girl told me that new york is a big place, but I feel like it is very small considering. There are so many people here, but you can feel those people you want to feel. Until there is an absence. Do we feel that absence the moment someone leaves or do we feel it only when we are made aware of the absence.