i'm still here, I'm still here

here I am. now. another year spent with hope and casual effort disguised to look like indifference. if I didnt put everything into my dreams I will not have failed per se. in all actuality I am fairly young, but in terms of when my career should have begun I have snowballed into complete failure. my self after school was so determined and hopeful. I knew if I just worked harder I would be offered the perfect job. I vacuumed and sang, I cooked while stretching, and I acted while on the subway. now I do karaoke to remind myself that I have a voice somewhere under everything. I used to have so much hope and that has been burried in an attempt to squash disappointment, but without hope I am nothing. I dont even know who I am supposed to be because i thought I was going to be the girl who never gave up. I haven't given up, but I have buried myself so deeply under everything that I have no idea who I am anymore.

I am four years past that girl who wrote about hairspray.

Different places

I read what I wrote and a giggle. The same way I laugh at how naive I was when I wrote about that girl in middle school, I wonder at my ignorance last year. I was so alone and I felt betrayed and lost, those feelings I mistook for something else. I am glad you held your ground because I would be so miserable right now if you had agreed with me.

Now I am better and I am whole. I have even loved and lost within that time. Not quite the same, but not so different. Something new. We have our own ways of doing things and our own little sayings. We have our places that we go and our names for each other. We fight in different ways and also love. I want her in different ways than wanted you.

It is hard to let go of things when one doesn't think anything else will come along, but something does and without letting go, life would stay stagnant. Life is made up by a series of events and relationships that shape us into the human beings we are. It is important to absorb every second and continue to walk forward.