I feel like I need to write something, but I'm not sure how or what needs to be said. Today I feel stupid and agitated. I want to talk to you, but I'm not sure if I know who you are. I don't know if I miss you. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy because of how much I miss you and other times I feel like I am going crazy because I don't miss you at all. I think you said it best that one afternoon laying on your bed; that I hope with a little piece of me that you are it, but that I also know with another piece of me that you are not.
I don't know what I feel, which is terrifying because you are the one that doesn't know how you feel. I know I could be happy with you and that is all I know. I guess the rest doesn't matter. I know that I wish you were the one talking to me instead of other girls who have no idea who I am. I know that my hand hurts like I punched something, but I don't remember that happening. My back hurts from sleeping weird and my head hurts from bad decisions. I know I liked who I was when I woke up next to you. I know I feel better about my life when I am with you.
Sometimes I think about all the plans I had in my head with you. Plans of things we would do together. It still feels like I was just there, at your house. It has only been a few weeks. Sometimes I think you are trying not to hurt me because you don't care and sometimes I think maybe you care a lot more than you want to admit. I don't know anymore. I don't feel as broken this time and that makes me think maybe I didn't care as much as I thought. Or maybe I am not broken because it hasn't been enough time. This is the first time I wasn't the one to walk out and maybe that is easier, to be mad. Last night I ate chips in my bed and I felt amazing that I didn't have you. This morning I looked at the crumbs in my bed and missed you terribly. I don't know what this is or what it was. My confusion is the most confusing part.
waiting for my cue.
