putting back the pieces

I need to fill myself once again with confidence, light, and determination. I am feisty and ferocious. I can bite through the obstacle set before me. I have let myself become so trampled by others it is embarrassing. I used to chide people for judging themselves against others and that is exactly what I have allowed myself to do. I know somewhere in my stomach or my lungs that I am an amazing human being and no one else can overshadow that. I was not compared to you before I met you, so why should I be now? I lived before you and so shall I again. I had no idea how much I had entwined myself. I am claiming the pieces and the pride back. I am gathering myself and heading back into the world. Defiance and strength. I need to separate myself from the masses in my head. I am unique and special and the right people will take note of that. Right now the only person who needs to love and respect me is myself. I have no control over what other people think about me or do to me, but I do have control over how I let it effect me. I have control over myself and I need to reclaim that.

falling down stairs

a few weeks ago I slipped and fell down the stairs. There is this feeling of sliding and then crashing down and down and down and a minor amount of pain and then you think you're fine, but aren't. you feel that pulsing in the back of your throat and the ear clogging that suggests vomit. You sit down and put your hands and your forehead and try to keep it down. This is my life every day. i get smacked and then want to throw up and cry. I am so doped up on something right now. It feels like I consumed massive amounts of alcohol, but I just took tiny pink pills and they make me crash around like an elephant. I am too big and too clumsy to exist in this tiny world. I am careening head first down the stairs and tumbling and bruising. I am flat on my back and there is a boot on my chest. The apt. is haunted by sex. bonk bonk bonk. clank clank clank. ahhh ahhh ahhh. the room spins and I am very small in a very large space. The room spins again and I fill the entire room with my grossly obese fingers and elbows. Then I am tiny and shivering alone in my bed. I pull the covers up and pretend that I am in an ice cave. I have my myself and that is enough, but soon enough I will be so mangled and bruised that I won't exist to anyone else. Death is such an interesting thing. The people who are left feel a hole in their lives, but the world doesnt feel a hole. emotions link us the the people around us, but the people outside of those emotions are lost to us. Tonight a girl told me that new york is a big place, but I feel like it is very small considering. There are so many people here, but you can feel those people you want to feel. Until there is an absence. Do we feel that absence the moment someone leaves or do we feel it only when we are made aware of the absence.

Sharing

New York is being really shitty to me right now. I want to rewind back to 2 years ago. I want to start all over. I want my life back. I hate that there is some other girl living my life. I hate that you don't care about me anymore. I used to be your world and you don't give a fuck about me anymore. I know this is what I wanted. I wanted to be alone, but I didn't realize I was going to be this alone. I needed space I needed a break, but I freaked out and said goodbye. I can't help missing you all the time. It kills me that you are over it so completely and I have a huge hole in my heart. I hate being fragile. I hate having to meet new people and compare them to you. I hate that my friends are leaving and I can;t leave. I cant go somewhere and start all over, but sharing New York with you is hard. Why do you have to be in New York, why do other people have to leave new york and I am striving to make connections that seem to be so fragile and fickle. The only solid thing I had was you and you are completely gone now. I am trying to move on, but every little step I take there seems to be a huge obstacle.