Broken

We throw punches. Blows that smack into my face and travel down to my heart. I am bloody and mangled, so I hit back. It goes on like this, but nothing is visible. There is no real blood pouring from my nose and ears. Only the sense of hollowness. I try to be a better person, but I feel so hurt and empty and you look fine. So I try to make you hurt, I try to make you cry. If you cry then I know I am not alone. I think if you cry I will feel a little better, but you always have more to throw at me. We both try to have the last jab and I am sure that you are just as crumpled and broken as I am, but it doesn't seem to help. I don't know what I thought would happen. Maybe I wanted you to come to me so we could comfort each other, but why would you run to the person who can't stop kicking the shit out of you?

retch

My head was so foggy and my eyes kept crossing on their own accord. I don’t remember drinking that much, but I guess I had. I stood politely waiting for the bathroom as all the alcohol started to come up. I hold it. I don’t want to be a bother. You get me a cup. That in itself was so gross most people would have left, but you didn’t. I think later about what happened to the cup. I am humiliated. I can’t help thinking as you stroke my back and tie back my hair “someone is taking care of me, someone cares about me.” I am used to taking care of other people and usually the favor isn’t returned. but this is something different. I guess it should be expected that if your friend gets sick, then you should take care of them. I sat next to girls I barely knew with their heads in the toilets on many college nights. I put girls to bed and tucked them in afterwards. I don’t usually find myself in compromising situations, but when I do, the one person I want to be taking care of me isn’t. This time was different. So even though my head was reeling and my stomach flopping, I was ok. It was terrible, but in a way it was kind of special.

connections

We are desperately searching for something to hold onto, someone to notice your face, something visceral and real. We dart out of subway cars like anxious race-horses released from the gate only to find that we have no idea where we are going. This is a city filled with anonymous people. Sometimes it becomes unbearable to be so alone. I want to clutch at a body, I want to feel skin or a warm breath at the back of my neck, I need to connect to someone. One is constantly surrounded by people and yet there are no connections and you are left empty and unsatisfied. We constantly search for saftey and stability, yet the world we live in is filled with invasions and disturbance. I keep having dreams where I am safe and whole and then I wake up and I can't help feeling utterly alone and unsettled. Something is wrong and I need to fill that void, but I am not sure how.

seasons

Today makes me think of the wonderful fall days in New York. I love walking through Manhattan on a crisp day with an apple cider. In Oregon we had slightly bizarre falls where the leaves grew brown and fell in sodden masses to the ground. We rarely had a beautiful crisp day and on those few we had the piles of leaves were much too wet and muddy to jump in. We incorporated raincoats, boots, and umbrellas into our halloween costumes and ventured out to trick or treat. I remember watching Hocus Pocus and longing for the weather they had on Halloween. Now I get to live through some of those amazing fall days. I get to walk through Central Park and look at the vibrant trees around the lake. The summers and Winters in New York can be brutal, but at least those months in between have the potential to be perfect.

awake

So I woke up this morning at 4 from thunder shaking the walls and then I was kept awake by the dull and aching pain in my mid-section. After contemplating the severity of my cramps I groggily decided that the pain was not getting better so I pushed out of bed and made the treck to the medicine cabinet. On my way my foot encountered a nice puddle of chilled cat vomit. ew. I washed my foot, took pain killers, and got the bleach to clean up vomit at 4 in the morning.
Now it is 5:30 and I will not be tired again until the rest of the world wakes up. I will sit on the couch with my penguin pillow, heating pad and computer until the day is supposed to begin or I fall asleep again.

disease

So I was waiting in an audition today and reading "Angels in America" for a class. The play talks vividly about what AIDS does to a person. There is a scene where Prior is writhing around on the floor in agony and then shits blood. His boyfriend is there trying to help him. Can you imagine watching your loved one bleed out of every orifice. uhg.

My father tells me today that the Clinic in my home town has sent out a letter informing me that their refrigerators were not at the proper temperature and all the vaccines given out since '92 may not work. I never got the chicken pox so I got the vaccine, lets hope that one was fine in the fridge or maybe that explains all these mosquito bites haha.

another year

So once again Hairspray looms on the horizon, but this time I am a different person. So much happens in a year. People come and go, attitudes change, jobs change, experiences are gained, and the world has a slightly different hue.

I have found recently that the way I perceive myself and the way others perceive me is very different. Being in a long term relationship has opened up all these new windows of awareness. I see myself as the relaxed one, because my girlfriend has anxiety issues and constantly needs reassurance of her worth as a human. Our friends view her as the chill one who always likes to have a good time and I am a controlling bitch. I do like to be in control of things and possibly I do treat her like a child upon occasion because she always needs to be coddled. But for some reason her flaws are untraceable and mine are more apparent. Why is this? I don't see the same person that they see. Who are we really? Are we the way we perceive ourselves, the way others perceive us, or a combination of the two?

I keep wondering when my career is going to start. I seem to continue to get older and yet my career hasn't taken off. It is scary how time is always moving forward even if you aren't.