seasons

Today makes me think of the wonderful fall days in New York. I love walking through Manhattan on a crisp day with an apple cider. In Oregon we had slightly bizarre falls where the leaves grew brown and fell in sodden masses to the ground. We rarely had a beautiful crisp day and on those few we had the piles of leaves were much too wet and muddy to jump in. We incorporated raincoats, boots, and umbrellas into our halloween costumes and ventured out to trick or treat. I remember watching Hocus Pocus and longing for the weather they had on Halloween. Now I get to live through some of those amazing fall days. I get to walk through Central Park and look at the vibrant trees around the lake. The summers and Winters in New York can be brutal, but at least those months in between have the potential to be perfect.

awake

So I woke up this morning at 4 from thunder shaking the walls and then I was kept awake by the dull and aching pain in my mid-section. After contemplating the severity of my cramps I groggily decided that the pain was not getting better so I pushed out of bed and made the treck to the medicine cabinet. On my way my foot encountered a nice puddle of chilled cat vomit. ew. I washed my foot, took pain killers, and got the bleach to clean up vomit at 4 in the morning.
Now it is 5:30 and I will not be tired again until the rest of the world wakes up. I will sit on the couch with my penguin pillow, heating pad and computer until the day is supposed to begin or I fall asleep again.

disease

So I was waiting in an audition today and reading "Angels in America" for a class. The play talks vividly about what AIDS does to a person. There is a scene where Prior is writhing around on the floor in agony and then shits blood. His boyfriend is there trying to help him. Can you imagine watching your loved one bleed out of every orifice. uhg.

My father tells me today that the Clinic in my home town has sent out a letter informing me that their refrigerators were not at the proper temperature and all the vaccines given out since '92 may not work. I never got the chicken pox so I got the vaccine, lets hope that one was fine in the fridge or maybe that explains all these mosquito bites haha.

another year

So once again Hairspray looms on the horizon, but this time I am a different person. So much happens in a year. People come and go, attitudes change, jobs change, experiences are gained, and the world has a slightly different hue.

I have found recently that the way I perceive myself and the way others perceive me is very different. Being in a long term relationship has opened up all these new windows of awareness. I see myself as the relaxed one, because my girlfriend has anxiety issues and constantly needs reassurance of her worth as a human. Our friends view her as the chill one who always likes to have a good time and I am a controlling bitch. I do like to be in control of things and possibly I do treat her like a child upon occasion because she always needs to be coddled. But for some reason her flaws are untraceable and mine are more apparent. Why is this? I don't see the same person that they see. Who are we really? Are we the way we perceive ourselves, the way others perceive us, or a combination of the two?

I keep wondering when my career is going to start. I seem to continue to get older and yet my career hasn't taken off. It is scary how time is always moving forward even if you aren't.

...

Funny how you can put your all into something and really have faith that you are going to get it and then you don't. I still don't know if it has totally set in that I didn't get the job. I know everyone says that things happen for a reason, but I can't really understand why that wasn't meant to be.

dreams flushed down the toilet

so hairspray comes and goes. I find myself still thinking it is ahead of me, when quite frankly at this point I will never be penny in national tour of hairspray. I thought maybe if I really gave it my all that would be enough, I forgot about dancing. And it was bad enough that they couldnt put up with my dancing. I guess by this point they had enough dancing penny's that they were able to cast it. damnit, i was still holding onto that shred of hope. I dont know how i am going to get anywhere in musical theatre without the dance skills. And I am so frustrated, but I know that I am not going to get anywhere if I sit around and wish that they might call. I think the hardest thing is not knowing what is going on or who they are casting. I just need to tell myself that it wasnt meant to be, but the hard thing is that it seemed so right, it seemed like fate, and now here I am. oh well.

am I ready

So the Hairspray audition is next friday. It is so frustrating that I feel like I have been preparing to get the role and now i feel like I am preparing not to get it. I need to take it as a challenge and not let anyone tell me I'm not going to get it. I need to wake up in the morning and say, I am going to land myself a job today. I have prepared enough and i just need to trust that. I need to go in give the performance of my life that I know I can do and actually show people what I can do, instead of putting myself down before I even get there. I am the one who isnt giving myself the chance to get the job and that is not fair. I have so much that I have worked for and actually completed. I need to pretend that I am doing the audition in Corvallis.
1. wake up and say "this is my day".
2. before I walk in the room, this is my challenge.
3. I am ready.
4. breath in penny.
5. good job no matter what happens I have accomplished somethign just being there.